A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils,
pick the one you never tried before.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal
and opposite government program.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

-Thanks to Elaine Ricklin for her Jay's Jokes contributions.